This month, Integrative Counsellor Sam Grainger explores one of the biggest themes she sees in the therapy space: how bad we are at communicating with each other – and suggests ways of being more effective in our communication
Hi everyone. My latest column is slightly delayed as I took a winter vacation. I was seeking space, peace and rejuvenation – and perhaps a little renewed motivation. While thinking about what to write this month, a question kept returning to me: what is one of the biggest themes I see in the therapy space? The answer is simple — how bad we are at communicating with each other.
Open and honest communication often fills us with fear. Why?
What if I get it wrong?
What if they don’t like me anymore?
What if it’s misinterpreted?
What if it destroys my relationship?
What if it makes everything worse?
What if my needs are not met?
That’s a lot of what ifs.
It’s almost as if we’ve trained ourselves to believe there will always be a negative impact to communication. So, we avoid it, run away from it, or freeze in the moment.
Our brain goes into “safety mode,” questioning whether we are safe.
You know that feeling when you need to talk to someone and the thought alone makes you uncomfortable. Your heart races, you feel a little nauseous, and you start overthinking the conversation. You imagine the negative response before it even happens — and eventually you avoid the conversation altogether.
Many of us have experienced this in everyday life. You rehearse a conversation in your head all day — maybe with a partner, a colleague, or a friend — only to reach the moment and say nothing at all. The opportunity passes, and the thoughts stay inside.
“Good communication is the bridge between confusion and clarity.” — Nat Turner.
The problem is that if you don’t communicate, nothing changes. Whether it’s in work, social situations, home life or relationships, silence often leads to resentment building up inside as your own needs are constantly pushed to the sidelines.
If we don’t learn how to communicate our needs, we can end up in a worse headspace. You may leave your job, end a relationship, or become estranged from a family member. These are just some of the potential consequences.
I’ve been in the room with clients discussing communication styles and exploring ways to address particular issues. But it can take several sessions before that feeling of safety allows someone to trust that they can communicate openly.
“I was going to say something, but it just didn’t feel like the right time.”
“Things are going well, so I didn’t want to bring it up.”
These aren’t always spoken directly, but you can often sense what the person is really saying underneath it all:
“I’m scared.”
Now, it isn’t always this straightforward. There can be other elements that affect our ability to communicate, which means the process often needs to be gentle and slow.
Trauma and neurodivergence, among other factors, can play a role in how safe we feel expressing ourselves.
I want to give you a simple overview of how we can begin to improve communication.
Our safety response isn’t the only challenge. When we don’t know how to communicate effectively, we sometimes end up doing it poorly. This can trigger negative reactions, which then reinforces the belief that communication is not safe.
Poor communication can look like this:
- Not listening
- Interrupting, which can appear dismissive.
- Shouting
- Anger
- Becoming overly emotional (crying or manipulating)
- Shutting down
We’ve all been in situations where a discussion completely breaks down. You leave feeling dismissed, frustrated or angry, and that resentment can sit there for days or even weeks.
“If there is a communication issue it is not the fault of the other person but of both people” Jeffrey.G.Duarte
So how can we be more effective in our communication?
Intention
Ask yourself: what do I want from this conversation, and how do I want the other person to feel?
Listening
This is a big one, and something many of us struggle with. Being a good listener takes practice. It also takes energy. You need to give someone your full attention and resist the urge to interrupt or prepare your response before they’ve finished speaking.
A good listener focuses not only on the words being said but also on the non-verbal cues that accompany them.
Body language
Keep open body language and maintain eye contact where possible.
Environment
Ensure the environment is calm. Important conversations rarely go well if you are rushed, stressed or overwhelmed.
Drop the defences
Try not to enter the conversation with your guard up.
Clarify rather than assume
Don’t jump to conclusions. Ask questions and clarify what is being said — you may have misinterpreted the intention.
Most importantly: be present
Communication is a huge topic, and many factors influence how safe we feel expressing ourselves. My aim here is simply to highlight how challenges in communication can have a big impact — and how slight changes can make a real difference.
Sometimes the hardest conversations are the ones we avoid the most. But they are often the ones that bring the greatest clarity.
I would like to thank Becky@timetobephotography for my new photo. Becky is also a qualified counsellor who uses her skills to help small businesses. We did the same course – I would highly recommend Becky for your business photos.
Feature image of Sam Grainger – Time To Be Photography
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