This month, Norfolk-based Integrative Counsellor Sam Grainger looks at how we first learn about love – and understanding attachment in relationships
When I work with individuals or couples, we often find ourselves gently going back to the beginning. Not to blame parents. Not to stay stuck in old wounds. But to understand. Because so often, the struggles we experience in our relationships now can begin to make far more sense when we look at where our understanding of love first began. I often use various exercises to help clients better understand themselves within their relationships — how they respond, where they feel triggered, where they adapt, shut down, over-give, people-please, or fear being too much. Together, we start looking at the patterns beneath the pain.
Because the past so often reflects the present. John Bowlby once said, “The things we want most desperately as adults are often the things we desperately needed, but didn’t receive as children.”
I find this quote resonates so deeply in the work. Because often, the reassurance we long for most, the safety we seek, the fear of abandonment, the fear of rejection, or even the discomfort we feel when someone gets too close can all carry echoes of something earlier.
How we learn to love often starts in childhood. In those earliest relationships, we begin learning what connection feels like. Was love safe? Was it consistent? Did we feel seen? Were our needs welcomed? Or did we learn to stay quiet, adapt, achieve, withdraw, or become self-sufficient in order to protect ourselves?
These early experiences do not define us, but they can shape us. I see time and time again how childhood adaptations can quietly walk into adult relationships. The child who learnt to chase connection may become the adult who fears abandonment. The child who learnt not to need too much may become the adult who struggles with vulnerability. The child who learnt love was inconsistent may become the adult constantly scanning for signs it might disappear.
This is why I often return to attachment theory in my work. Not as a label. Not to tell someone who they are. But as a compassionate lens that can help people understand why they may love, fear, protect, or disconnect the way they do.
Because when we understand ourselves differently, we often soften. There can be less shame. Less self-blame. Less “Why do I keep doing this?” And more curiosity. More compassion. More awareness.
In couples work especially, this can be powerful. Beneath the arguments, withdrawal, defensiveness, or pursuit, there is often something far more vulnerable — a deep longing to feel safe, secure, chosen, and understood.
So much of my work is about helping people slow this down. To notice what sits underneath their reactions. To explore not just what is happening in the relationship, but what may be being activated within them. Because healing often begins with awareness.
With recognising that some of the things we are fighting for most desperately in adulthood may actually be connected to needs that once went unmet. And when we can understand that with compassion, we create the possibility of change. Sometimes, going back is not about living in the past. Sometimes, it is about understanding it enough to stop repeating it.
If you would like to find out more about you own attachment style I recommend the following books: Attachment Theory: Thais Gibson; Attached: Dr Amir Levine and Rachel Heller,
Visit Sam Grainger Counselling
Featured image of Sam Grainger – by Time To Be Photography
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