For this month’s column, Integrative Counsellor Sam Grainger continues the series on life transitions by looking at bereavement – arguably the most difficult transition of all
Coping with bereavement is the subject of the latest in my series about varying life transitions and it is certainly a difficult transition to process. We will all have experienced or will experience the death of someone who means a great deal, this could be a loved one, close friend, colleague or a beloved pet. Grief can feel like you are disappearing down a black hole from which you will never return. The process of climbing out of the black hole seems unsurmountable. Life as you know it has gone, how can anything feel the same again? This feeling of loss can feel even more powerful at this time of year. This is a time when loved ones come together and enjoy spending quality time, and yes that includes the disagreements which are all part of the experience.
What is bereavement? It is the death/loss of someone we love. It is a common experience that we shy away from talking about and this causes confusion about how we should be coping and what is an “acceptable” way to grieve.
Grief is a normal and healthy response to loss, and it can take time. Grief is different for each individual and it is important not to feel under pressure to be “just fine”.
Everyone manages grief in their own time and there is not a “quick fix”. It is important to give yourself the time and space that you need. Grief is not a linear process there may be days when it feels ok, then you may experience a day of despair and sadness. Be kind to yourself.
Grief comes with powerful emotional and physical responses, there is a sadness and yearning that envelops you like a dark black cloud. You can go through a range of emotions and feelings and back again. It can feel never ending.
Feelings can look like fear, anger, guilt, regret, frustration and emptiness to name a few.
This can be coupled with worrying about how you will cope; things you should have said or done, how things will never be the same again and even anger because your loved one has left you behind.
You can be walking somewhere familiar or listening to some music and a memory is triggered, and this can be enough to leave you feeling overwhelmed.
All these reactions are normal.
Kubler-Ross developed a model of death and dying known as ‘The Five Stages of Grief’. See the diagram below. The stages may not run in this order, and you can move backwards and forwards between stages and even get stuck.
“The reality is that you will grieve forever. You will not “get over” the loss of a loved one; you will learn to live with it. You will heal and then you will rebuild yourself around the loss you have suffered. You will be whole again, but you will never be the same” Elizabeth Kubler-Ross
How do you relate to other people, friends, colleagues and other relatives?
Remember they don’t always know what to do to help. Communicate your needs.
There will be times when you want to talk and times when you want to be left alone and that is ok.
Remember although well-meaning the wrong thing can be said by try not to take this personally:
“It will get easier”.
“There is a better place”.
“Shouldn’t you be over this now?”.
“Isn’t it time you went back to work?”.
So, for those supporting a person who is grieving simply be there and listen when needed, leave them to be quiet when needed and the helpful phrases are:
“I’m here for you when you need me”.
“I am sorry for your loss”.
Give yourself time and space, look after yourself, get out in the fresh air, acknowledge the person you have lost, cherish the memories.
What can you do to help yourself:
- Acknowledge your feelings and that it is ok to have those feelings.
- Write a letter to your loved one and talk about those things you wanted to say but did not get the chance.
- If you are religious or spiritual, take comfort from your beliefs.
- Acknowledge that not everyone will know how to help.
- Make sure you look after yourself- get some fresh air, eat well and give yourself space.
- Take comfort from those around you whilst acknowledging you may all be in different places.
An important message to take away:
Your loved one will always be there, there are things that will not be the same again, you can cherish the memories and move forward.
There may be times when you feel it would be beneficial to reach out and talk to a professional and that can be helpful in processing your emotions.
Bereavement is such a big topic this is just a brief overview of bereavement and grief. If you want any further information or advice, please feel free to contact me.
Visit Sam Grainger Counselling
Featured image – supplied
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