A healthier way of looking at change

For this month’s column, Integrative Counsellor Sam Grainger looks at how we can learn to accept change – especially when it comes to our health

‘Why me?’ A question asked in relation to many life events. It feels particularly significant when looking at a life-altering illness. A better question would be why not me? Let me tell you what I mean. A change in health status can be terrifying, difficult to process, lonely and life changing. It throws up the question; what does this mean for me? Suddenly everything that felt safe and secure is turned upside down and this brings with it a feeling of being out of control. Your comfortable security blanket has been whipped away without any warning.

Illness often brings with it uncertainty, and this can be hard to deal with. It can make you irritable, angry, and anxious. Feelings of: What is my life going to look like from now on? Is this something that will shorten my life? Will I still be able to work? What is the next step? Will the treatment work? If it’s a chronic illness – how will this progress? What can I expect? These are big questions and hold a lot of importance if you are trying to make sense of everything.

Loss of control can send you into mental and emotional turmoil. There are so many emotions that become difficult to process – feelings like anger, hopelessness, helplessness, and loneliness can make everything feel impossible. These emotions may run alongside guilt. You are used to managing and suddenly you must rely more heavily on family and friends. If you have children, this may add to that guilt, alongside fear of not being there for them or not having enough energy to partake fully in their life.

Relationships can change and this can lead to feelings of isolation for both partners. You both must adjust, and this can take time and feel difficult. It is important to have good communication at this time and not shut down.

You may also feel isolated from friends if it affects your ability to take part in social activities. Try to find ways to connect with friends and try not to withdraw completely.

Life changing illness can affect how you view yourself; It maybe it has a physical impact and that can take time to come to terms with, this can be visible (loss of mobility, loss of a body part or disfiguration), or invisible (pain, fatigue, anxiety/depression). This can lead to feelings of inferiority, self-blame, feeling different.

A period of grief has you navigate the change, financial implication, loss of a job or needing to change career, medical treatments, medication. There are so many implications it can feel overwhelming.

It may feel easier to isolate yourself and think ‘Why me?’

‘Why am I sick?’ It’s automatically negative and suggests a blame mentality – whether you blame yourself or some outside force. ‘These things always happen to me, I am unlucky, I am a victim’.

‘Why not me?’ This is not saying that it’s not hard or difficult – try saying ‘I know it’s hard and difficult, but I am not alone.’ Life throws us challenges and there is no discrimination. It’s your choice to decide how you move forward.

When life puts you in tough situations, don’t say ‘why me?’, say ‘try me.’

How can you navigate forward?

Look after yourself: Exercise, eat healthily, speak to someone if it helps. Physical and mental wellbeing are key to managing a life changing condition. This may require adaptation – be realistic with yourself.

Acceptance: Don’t be an ostrich and bury your head in the sand. Knowledge is power. Find out what you are dealing with, how this may affect you moving forwards. This way you can make the necessary adjustments.

Social interaction: Stay involved. Stay connected with friends, try different activities. Join a support group.

Communication: Talk about your fears and emotions, talk to your partner and your family. Remember everyone is adjusting and it’s important to be honest and open.

Be patient: Give yourself a break -if you need to rest then rest.

Set realistic goals: If you expect too much of yourself you will feel frustrated and a failure. It’s ok to say no. Be assertive about what you can and cannot do.